The Break Up

30^th August was the last time I posted on this blog. Unbeknown to me, the morning I posted this I was a different person to the person I became on the evening of the 30^th August. Something happened that would change me completely. It’s now been a month and with courage and a little strength, I can say that I am now single.

I can safely say that the last month has been the worst of my life. I have experienced so many ups and downs. I have been smashed to smithereens but am slowly, very slowly, starting to piece myself back together.

To be honest, the split didn’t come as a massive surprise to me. I had known it was coming for some time. I just didn’t want to believe it. Without going into detail, there were no fights or fallings out. There is no one to blame for this apart from our ambitions and the fact that they were very different. We are at completely different stages of our life and it just didn’t seem to fit anymore. We ultimately want different things.

I still have great respect and love for him and a small piece of that will stay with me forever. He changed my life for the better and taught me lessons that I will take with me into future relationships and will use on a day to day basis.

What we had was a fairytale and a great relationship. I still have a fabulous story to tell my grandchildren about a very special person that I met in Australia and the many, many great and happy times we had together.

So with that cleared up, I want to start to move on. I have some scary and exciting plans ahead, my dreams that I want to achieve just for me. If anything, this has reminded me of the absolutely precious people I have in my life.

My family who have been inspirationally supportive and my friends who I cry with, laugh with and tell me straight about my thoughts. I have to give a special mention to Sarah Hallas who has been the best friend anyone could ask for. She has sat with me hour upon hour while I talk and cry and who has the balls to say to me “My god, stop being so melodramatic!”

She has doled out self help books, self help CD’s, made dinner for me, bought wine for me and hugged me when I needed it. Love you millions Miss Hallas! I haven’t forgotten about you others aswell, Fowler and my mum- who also gave me cuttings out of newspapers and bought me books and listened for hours while I wailed down the phone.

But this is a very personal journey. Something only I can experience because I, along with Dan, was the only other person in that relationship and knew our relationship inside and out.

With time, I will change and grow as a person and with my own ambitions; I will eventually earn the life that I want for myself, without compromise.

More of my new life soon J x

Things I love! (and don't love!)

Things I love most in the world (in no particular order)

The sunshine
The smell of sun cream
My family
My yummy boyfriend
Sitting in a beer garden with the girls on a sunny day
Watching home made videos from Australia with the girls
Finding an amazingly flattering dress that doesn't cost the earth
Black tower rose
Chinese food on a Friday night
Being in love
Reading Red Magazine (It's my new favourite)
Bank Holiday Weekends
The feel of sand between your toes
An amazingly bright coloured nail polish
My new duvet!
My new purple kettle and toaster!
Having a really hot shower when the weather is cold outside
Chunky knit jumpers and cardies in the Autumn
Mum's cheese straws and vieneese whirls

Things I don't love

Rain
Having no plans at the weekend
Traffic Jams
Prawns
Horror films
9am on a Monday morning
Getting a gorgeous new outfit home only to realise it's stained or ripped
Sitting exams at a cost of £41 each!
Tomatoes
My car breaking down

Update!

It's been so long so I updated the blog- been so busy!

So Dan is back in the country! He's been back just over a week and he is tanned and tired! He's already back at work which he hates but it is lovely to have him back again!

We went to the newly renovated Royal Shakespeare Theatre in Stratford on Friday night for my birthday present. We went to see my favourite play, A Midsummer Night's Dream which was AMAZING. Dan wriggled and looked at his watch about a million times throughout the performance as he hates Shakespeare (how he can is beyond me!) But it was a very modern adaptation of the play with a lot of lines added in but the gist was the same. It was brilliant. The thing that wasn't brilliant is that I've just bought these patent black stilleto's which are so high I nearly fell over in the shop when I bought them. But I went against my better judgement and bought them anyway.
I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to test run them outside for the first time. I had been practising all week around the (carpeted) flat, walking up and down the hallway and even doing the washing up in them trying to break them in.
It worked to start with. Seeing as I was going to be sitting down all night, I thought no problem. I was wrong. We parked on the other side of the river as it's the only car park I know and we were running late. So there was some brisk walking and it was more than 5 mins away. By the time we ended up in the chinese 3 hours later (Dan was NOT amused), I was barefoot with bleeding feet. Not cool.

On the flip side, I did have a brand new blazer jacket which looked amazing with skinny jeans and barefeet!

In other news, my sister was in a car accident when a motorbike went into the back of their van...quite literally. Painkillers and an early night to quell the pain? No, they went to buy a puppy instead! His name is Marley and he is a cocker spaniel- 10 weeks old and quite possibly the cutest thing I think I've ever seen. We are desperate to start taking him out for a walk.

As I live and work in Birmingham, we are right in the thick of all the riots going in at the moment. It's horrendous that these things actually go on in our country. Personally I blame the unemployment situation and this mob mentality. If these people had normal full time jobs, I doubt this would be happening...or as badly anyway. In Birmingham, we're just keeping our heads down and getting on with our jobs. I'm meant to be visiting Fowler in Manchester this weekend but I think we'll be steering clear of the town centre after dark.

In more positive news, I've just booked a flight to Murcia in Spain with my flatmate Soph and a few other girls which I'm really looking forward to. Got an absolute bargain aswell, £100 return flight and £30 accommodation for 3 nights and 4 days in a townhouse with our own personal chef!! We fly in September so I've got a bit of a wait but I'm very excited.

I've got a week off work next week which I can't wait for. I haven't had time off since the middle of June so this is much needed. I'm not going away for this break but Dan will be getting his A level results on Thursday which will determine if he gets into Leeds uni or not. Fingers crossed!

So that's you all up to date...I'm off to Dans, he's cooked a lamb dinner for me :-) x x x

He's almost back!

Here was me saying I would be posting a lot more in July with Dan being away and everything but I've probably posted less! I've been keeping myself so busy since he's been gone to prevent myself from missing him. On Sunday, I had a spare day just to do some shopping and washing etc- I had five minutes when I sat down and started watching a film and I have to say to myself, 'Get up and do something!' So I went for an hour power walk. Unexpected but the weather was lovely and my weight watchers leader will love it!

So this week, me and Soph went to a market research discussion group to talk about a well known local radio station and their advertising plans. We were there for an hour and a half to give our opinions and bagged ourselves £45! We ended up in Revolutions on Broad Street necking a jug of cocktail with her two guy mates.

Friday we had a sales day at work and I cleaned up. I'd pre sold a lot of digital products to our customers and won a TV, a sat nav, a £50 chrome toaster and a Wii!! Not to mention wine, chocolate, sherry, and £55 in Tesco vouchers!! I've sold the majority of things I won to put in my 'I-want-to-buy-something-shiny from-Tiffiny's-in-New-York' fund. It's got to be done!

So Dan is back is...wait for it...tomorrow! It's absolutely flown by. I can't wait to see him- I've almost forgotten what he looks like! He's back this Sunday but can't wait. Can't believe I've gone 30 days without him already! Like I said, we have some really nice stuff planned for when he's back so I'm looking forward to it very much.

To top things off, Sarah is back in the country in the next 2 days from Oz (and she's got Tim Tams!!!) and little fluff (my sister) is back from Turkey! Everyone's coming back- I'm not longer a loner!!!!

It's almost time!

So Dan is coming back to the UK next Sunday! I have to admit, the last few weeks have flown by. It feels like a long time since I've seen him but it doesn't seem like it's been a month. (Confusing? I thought so) Today has been three weeks since I've seen him and it will be four and half weeks  when he comes back.

My weekends have been jam packed- I've literally not had 5 minutes to myself to think about missing him.

The first weekend I had a bit of pampering time and it was the Kenilworth Carnival which is always fun. The Sunday was a a cinema trip with Fowler and got a phone call in the middle of the film to say he had arrived in Bangkok.

The second weekend, Mum had her racing experience! That was amazing- mum showed off her driving skills in a posh lamborgini and ferarri! Then the Sunday, I had dinner with Dan's mum and sister and stayed over which was lovely.

Third weekend, I had a crazy night out with Fowler on Broad Street in Birmingham! It's been so long since we've been out on Broad Street and we're now usually the old' un's in a sea of what only look like 12 year olds. To think I used to be one of them...sigh. But we were surprised when we went into Walkabout (yes, you heard right) and there were some actually rather attractive men in there! My job for the night was spotter for Fowler who was scouring the place for potential boyfriend material. Cracking night apart from when I got ripped off by the taxi driver for a ride home...£25 for a 10 minute journey!

So this weekend, I'm off back to Leam to do some visiting which will be nice- then Dan is back the following weekend! We've got some really cool stuff planned when he's back. I've got my birthday present which is a theatre trip to see a Midsummer Night's Dream and we've got three, yes, three wedding receptions to go to. (Think back to the Hen Party weekend!) Then we will be booking our flights to New York!!

Exciting stuff! More to come soon x x

11 days to go!!

So Dan is coming back to the UK next Sunday! I have to admit, the last few weeks have flown by. It feels like a long time since I've seen him but it doesn't seem like it's been a month. (Confusing? I thought so) Today has been three weeks since I've seen him and it will be four and half weeks when he comes back.

My weekends have been jam packed- I've literally not had 5 minutes to myself to think about missing him.

The first weekend I had a bit of pampering time and it was the Kenilworth Carnival which is always fun. The Sunday was a a cinema trip with Fowler and got a phone call in the middle of the film to say he had arrived in Bangkok.

The second weekend, Mum had her racing experience! That was amazing- mum showed off her driving skills in a posh lamborgini and ferarri! Then the Sunday, I had dinner with Dan's mum and sister and stayed over which was lovely.

Third weekend, I had a crazy night out with Fowler on Broad Street in Birmingham! It's been so long since we've been out on Broad Street and we're now usually the old' un's in a sea of what only look like 12 year olds. To think I used to be one of them...sigh. But we were surprised when we went into Walkabout (yes, you heard right) and there were some actually rather attractive men in there! My job for the night was spotter for Fowler who was scouring the place for potential boyfriend material. Cracking night apart from when I got ripped off by the taxi driver for a ride home...£25 for a 10 minute journey!

So this weekend, I'm off back to Leam to do some visiting which will be nice- then Dan is back the following weekend! We've got some really cool stuff planned when he's back. I've got my birthday present which is a theatre trip to see a Midsummer Night's Dream and we've got three, yes, three wedding receptions to go to. (Think back to the Hen Party weekend!) Then we will be booking our flights to New York!!

Exciting stuff! More to come soon x x

I'm starting to get a complex!

I'm starting to get a complex. It hit me today that not only has Dan left the country for a month but suspiciously a few others have as well. Let's examine the evidence...

Dan- Thailand for a month
Sarah (Hallas)- Australia for a month
Rach (one of my bezzies) Down south somewhere for a week
Soph (the flatmate) Down to Newquay for a week
Rachael (My sister) 2 weeks in Turkey from next week
My mum etc- Away for a week at the end of the month.

I'm not being funny but isn't this all sounding a bit strange?? It could just be a massive coincidence that it's July and everyone has their summer holidays in July but still. The month I need everyone to keep me busy with Dan being away and they all bugger off! My only saving grace is that my good friend Katie Fowler is still in the country and hasn't deserted me like the rest of them! We had lunch and went to the cinema on Saturday and were catching up next weekend for my birthday present. I still have no clues on what it is. To be honest, I don't think Fowler has. Hallas seems to have left for Australia without so much of a word to Fowler about what we're doing on that day! That's my lovely Hallas for you!

More to come soon! xx

First weekend without the Croc!

So Dan arrived safely in Bangkok yesterday after I got a phone call while in the cinema yesterday. I noticed a big flaw in my plans to keep busy the whole time Dan's away, is the fact that I'm more likely to miss his calls while I'm busy having my hair done or in the cinema. We had the most horrendous night on Friday night. Dan missed his connecting flight from Paris to London and as all his cards were blocked (from using them abroad) I had to use mine. All the flights were either sold out or ridiculously expensive and there was no way of getting him back in time to catch his flight to Thailand on the Saturday. We got him back in the end though after a lot of tears (me) and a lot of stress (me and him).

The first weekend without him has gone pretty smoothly. I was busy all day Saturday with the Kenilworth Carnival which I absolutely LOVE! It's like a day to celebrate being a member of my family as ALL of my dad's side of the family are involved in it. It was hot and a lot of money was raised for charity. The highlight had to be when me and my mum hijacked the car my brother was driving in the procession and we ended up waving and having our photographs taken by members of the public! We did get a few weird glances as if to say 'who are they?' but it was funny nonetheless!

Sunday, I spent most of the day with Fowler which was nice. We had lunch and then headed to Star City to watch Bridesmaids. Very funny film- I advise all to go and watch it. So all in all- it's not been a bad weekend.

The next week is going to drag though. Soph (my flatmate) is going away for a week and while it will be lovely to have a bit of time to myself, I'm concerned about the impact of everyone- leaving-me- at- once is going to have on me. Dan has obviously left, the last few days in the office last week, I was alone on my desk of about 12 people and now Soph is going away. I'm going to start getting a complex. Still, it's quite nice to think that I will get a bit of down time to chill out and watch films and stuff.

A whole lot of Becci time!

The next four weeks are going to be very odd. The croc is going backpacking in Thailand for the whole month of July starting from this weekend :-( Well he's flying to Algeria first to do a Hed Kandi gig leaving tomorrow then he flies back to London and then out the next day for Thailand! He's a proper little jet setter now which makes me wonder where my inner backpacker has got to recently. I always have itchy feet (not in the athletes foot type of way) but as in I always want to travel and explore new places. I guess the fact that I rent a flat, own a car, training to become a journalist and holding down a full time job have something to do with it. But why don't we throw caution to the wind sometimes and spend out hard earned cash on something more exciting that fabric softener and dog food. We all get set in our ways sometimes and stuck in a little rut wishing the weeks away to count down to that package holiday in Magaluf that you've been saving for all year. Go to the places you've always wanted to go to, there are ways and means. Take me. I've ALWAYS wanted to go to New York. It's on my 'places to visit' list and I've always said, like a lot of people, 'oooh I'd love to go there one day'. Well people, that day has finally come. Instead of wishing I was somewhere, I'm actually going to go. Me and the Croc are going hopefully in September for a week and we going to stay in hostels, true backpacker style. I'm very excited.

But in the meantime, Dan is leaving. He flies to Algeria tonight then straight to Thailand. That's 32 days without kisses (and cuddles!) It's going to be very tough and there are going to be good days and bad days which will probably be documented on the blog. I think it will take me a week or so for it to sink in properly so that leaves three weeks. But I have a plan! A plan to look amazing for when he comes back- a get fit and healthy plan. The time I would be spending with Dan I'm going to go for a power walk or a swim. 32 days of that and I should be as fit as a butchers dog. As well as this, I've also made sure my weekend's are so jam packed so I don't have the opportunity to miss him! I've got hair cuts, sleepover's, cinema trips, dinners out, lunches out and a potential weekend in Newquay so I think I will be a pretty busy girl.

We are used to spending time apart. When we first met, we spent 5 months apart when he was still in Australia and I was in England. We still spoke to each other every day but it got really hard towards the end. That was 2 years ago so we've come a long way since then but we will be fine. He'll be back in the blink of an eye!

The hen party to end all hen parties!

OMG. That's all I can say about my booze filled, 3 day head banger of a weekend. 3 hen's, 2 farmhouse cottages, 1 hot tub, 3 naked butlers, 50 bottles of wine and 28 girls partying just about sums it up in a nutshell. It was AMAZING. Crazy but amazing. Lunch, dinner and breakfast was like feeding the 5,000 and I was in charge of making the tea which is no mean feat when your trying to remember who has sugar and who doesn't.

It got off with a bang on the Friday. We met up in the pub at 11am and got on our coach at 2pm. Our destination- Buxton in Derbyshire. In the middle of nowhere with nothing but an abundance of sheep and a few horses. To be fair, there's something about the country air that gets rid of your hangover in a flash, apart from the smell of manure which makes the bile come out of nowhere. Friday night, with the excitement of us all being together in a country lodge we went a bit mad. The 50 bottles of wine and 2 of every spirit you can think of was calling us and before you know it, we'd hit it hard. We woke the next morning to a mountain of empty bottles fearing we'd drunk the whole weekend's rations. The food situation wasn't looking too great either. A lot of us had unknowingly got the munchies...really bad and we had consumed about 30 bags of crisps between us- not the diddy packs which have nothing in them but the family packs.

Saturday, we had a host of games prepared including dodgeball with water bombs, volleyball, football and rounders. Unfortunately, the rain came but in teh true spirit of trying to get rid of a raging hangover, we ploughed on thinking the rain and wind whipping across our faces was only doing us good. It passed though and we had lots of fun.

Saturday afternoon, Claire had planned an afternoon of pampering and complete with pressies (pink flannels with our names on, nail varnishes, face packs, leg gels, nail cream, nail stickers) we spent the afternoon pampering each other and generally being really girlie. We had more pressies to open- a pair of brightly coloured board shorts which we were all to wear to the party starting at 8pm.

At 8pm the party started. The buffet was flowing, the wine was flowing and the naughty bits were flowing. Hang on a sec, yes you did read that right. Naughty bits, a plenty! Three naked butlers and 28 girls was bound to be a bad combination. Throwing a hot tub into the mix was even worse. We were assured they don't get naked very often but I saw enough naked man that night to last me a lifetime. There are things that I've seen and heard that I never thought I'd see and hear. I did befriend an inflatable turtle which kept me company all night long with a bottle of wine which was glued to my hands...good times. Being a hen party, what went on in that cottage stays in that cottage so that's all I'm going to say. The journey home wasn't pleasant, we were all tired and hungover. Luckily, I had booked the Monday off work to chill out and a definite chill out was needed. What I did take away with me that weekend, besides all the pressies, was a lifetime of memories and a weekend which was much needed to forget about the mundane things like work and so on. I'm just sitting back and waiting for the facebook pics to come flooding in! In the meantime, here's a sneaky peek! Cover your eyes mother!

Tom's 13th Birthday!

I sometimes feel a bit like my life is one of those fairground carousel's. Like the cartoon one in Mary Poppins (SUCH a great film!) where I'm whizzing round and round in circles doing so much and being so busy that I don't have time to get off and chill out. Well it finally caught up with me last week when I caught a chest infection. I have a slight lung condition which means I'm prone to contracting chest infections much more easily than others and I can usually tell when one's coming. This one has been coming for two weeks and I have tried to curb with it with copius amounts of orange juice, iron tablets, multi- vitamins and fruit and veg. Unfortunately, as I got cold on the weekend in Essex and pushed myself to the limit- I got worse and had to have Monday and Tuesday off work. I'm one of these people who feel really guilty when I have time off work, even though I was genuinely ill. But it was nice to relax and watch films. (By the way, I've just rented Tangled, the new Disney film and highly recommend it).
Anyway, I've started on the antibiotics just to keep it from developing further and it seems to be doing the trick. If it develops fully, I'm no good to man nor beast for at LEAST two weeks.

So last week was my little brother's 13th birthday. It' so strange as I still feel like he's a baby. I was 13 when he was born. I was meant to have a big party for all my friends but ended up not being allowed in case my mum went into labour. Luckily enough, little Thomas wasn't born until 10th June 1998. He's so grown up now and started looking like a proper young man- it's so hard to believe he's finally going to become a teenager. It's true what they say, it really does go far too quickly.


PS) as the balloon flight was cancelled yet again last week, we have re booked for the 15th August. Fingers crossed the weather will hold up for us!

Some piccies!

Well Reem!

The last weekend has been really fun, busy but really fun. The croc and I spent some time together, more than we've been able to the last few weeks. I accompanied him to Southend on Sea...to all those not in the know, that's in Essex. Dan works away every weekend to do his Hedkandi gigs and to be honest I had absolutely no idea what was involved- until Saturday night.

To start with, the balloon flight was cancelled AGAIN! The day was perfect, a little windy but that wind could spell big trouble apparantly. So after three (or possibly more) attempts, I'm still the proud owner of two bits of paper entitling us to a flight. It's getting very tiresome, it will be two years this christmas since I bought those.

So Saturday we travelled in the baking hot sun to Essex. The weather was beautiful but unfortunately we spent the whole day in a dark and dingy nightclub setting up all the gear. Now it usually takes Dan 2-3 hours to set up the stuff but through my lack of experience and not wanting to get up tall ladders, it took him...wait for it....4 and a half hours. I was tearing my hair out by the end of it. I did as much as I could to help but in the end I did the run for food, drink and an emergency staple gun from B&Q.

The night was great. There was an amazing DJ called Sarah Louise and a saxophonist called Yasmine who were lovely and did a cracking job. Dan mostly had fun with the confetti cannon and we stayed up until 4.30am.

A few hours sleep later and we were back in the club dismantling the stuff that had taken four and a half hours the day before to put up. We left about 2pm and drove the three and a half hours back to Brum. We were shattered but it did put it in perspective just how hard Dan works for his money.

Since then, I've had two days off work and I've come down with a horrible chest infection. Not good. Hopefully be back on my feet for this weekend but for now, my memories of Essex are well reem!! xx

My Birthday celebrations!

After being thrown back into work with a bang (a half an hour rant in the office by my manager), I've almost completely forgotten my birthday celebrations two weekends ago. Almost. The weekend has been filled with dinners out, cocktails, cake and ice cream. I feel like I took the traditionally birthday 'treat' to a whole new level of spoiling my body and indulging in the sugar cravings.

Friday night saw a dinner with my family and the croc at a well known Italian chain restaurant. It was very lovely but felt very full when moving onto the spoons afterwards to soak up a jug of aptly named Woo Woo. I did definitely 'Woo' after a few glasses of that. After lots of drinks, we called it a night. I split cocktail down my lovely dress and my feet were hurting...a lot. Is this what a 26 year old has come to? Dribbling and walking slowly because of the pain from her feet?

Saturday was good. After meeting up with my brother and sister for a good hot chocolate in Starbucks, I headed back to Brum to prepare for the evenings shenanigans of a night out with the girls. When they arrived I was still in my PJ's and they were dressed up to the nines. Instead of going out, we had a lot of wine (and more cocktails) and ordered pizza and watched the video's I recorded when we lived in Oz. Was a cracking night!

Sunday, me and Fowler had a much needed fry up followed by a trip to asda to stock up the supplies. It was a nice chill out day actually.

Monday- when Dan returned from work we went to the cinema and dinner out which was lovely. We were so full that we could hardly move but by this point I was too excited fro my birthday the day after to care!

Tuesday- My Birthday! After 4 days of celebrations the day had finally arrived. Dan brought me breakfast in bed accompanied by pressies! Tickets to the Royal Shakespeare company in Stratford, some soap and glory goodies and a cute picture frame of the two of us. We ventured to Stratford for the day under my specification as I really wanted a Mr Whippy with a flake and some strawberry sauce. We strolled around in the lovely sunshine and ended up having a sneaky drink in the pub on the way to my mums. At my mum's she'd made an amazing two tiered cake complete with stuck on flowers and butterflies. I was spoiled with pressies and was absolutely shattered by the time we came back to Birmingham.

Busy again!

Apologies for the delay in putting up a new post- it's been so crazy busy recently I don't actually know where to start!

Dan and I finally have our balloon flight booked for the 4th June- something that fills me with absolute dread. I hate heights but I've been told you don't get a sense of dizzying heights on the way up as it's so gentle. I was considering sending Dan up on his own but thought it would be more romantic together. Anyone who has bought or tried to book a balloon flight will feel my pain as this is now the fourth attempt at trying to fly. I know that a balloon flight is very weather dependant but this was a gift from Christmas 2009. It's a nightmare- fingers crossed it's all worth it.

My weekend this weekend consisted of travelling down to Exmouth with my sister to visit my Dad whose just opened a pub down there. It's taking a lot of refurbishing and a lot of stress which is why we went down so we could help out. But we had such a fab time and the weather was gorgeous.

It's my birthday two weeks tomorrow which is a scary thought. I used to get so excited on my birthday but now it feels just a little bit sad. It's crazy to think that I'm going to be nearer to 30 than I am to 20 but never mind! I guess none of us can delay the inevitable. It will be a fun packed weekend though and probably a cake filled one too.

Weight watchers is going well at the moment. My leader set me my own personal mini goal to lose 5lb by the end of the month. I've lost 2lb half way through the month so I think I'm doing ok. All that walking at the weekend on the beach must surely have done some good!

Exam results day tomorrow!! The results have come round really quickly but fingers crossed I've passed them both. I'm concentrating all my efforts on Law at the moment which is mind boggling but I seem to have picked it up surprisingly quickly which is great news. I'll keep you posted on the results.

My Grandpa turns 80 tomorrow and we have something special planned but I'm keeping it under wraps just in case he happens to take a sneaky peak at this before tomorrow. Unlikely but I'm taking no chances! We're also having a family picnic at the weekend which we do once a year. We had it in the park the last two years but I remember one year, it chucking down with rain so we had a picnic on Grandma's floor instead.

That's all for now! xx

Time to reflect...

I read today, on a national newspaper website, that a Canadian blogger made famous by being a photographer, a writer and a musician posted a blog from beyond the grave. After a long and cruel battle with cancer, he passed away on May 3rd and the blog was posted by his friends and family- he had written the blog in the event of his death.

I had to re-post the last portion of his blog for reasons that kind of strike something in me. He looks at the world in a philosophical way, quite rightly, and reflects on his life with his wife and children. It struck me when he says: "It turns out that no-one can imagine what's really coming in our lives. We can plan, and do what we enjoy, but we can't expect our plans to work out. Some of them might, while most probably won't. Inventions and ideas will appear, and events will occur, that we could never foresee. That's neither bad nor good, but it is real."

I'll leave it with you. More to come soon xx

What was at the end I haven't gone to a better place, or a worse one. I haven't gone anyplace, because Derek doesn't exist anymore. As soon as my body stopped functioning, and the neurons in my brain ceased firing, I made a remarkable transformation: from a living organism to a corpse, like a flower or a mouse that didn't make it through a particularly frosty night. The evidence is clear that once I died, it was over.

What to know, now that I'm dead
There can't be answers today. While I was still alive writing this, I was sad to know I'll miss these things - not because I won't be able to witness them, but because Air, Marina, and Lauren won't have me there to support their efforts.
It turns out that no one can imagine what's really coming in our lives. We can plan, and do what we enjoy, but we can't expect our plans to work out. Some of them might, while most probably won't. Inventions and ideas will appear, and events will occur, that we could never foresee. That's neither bad nor good, but it is real.
I think and hope that's what my daughters can take from my disease and death. And that my wonderful, amazing wife Airdrie can see too. Not that they could die any day, but that they should pursue what they enjoy, and what stimulates their minds, as much as possible - so they can be ready for opportunities, as well as not disappointed when things go sideways, as they inevitably do.
I've also been lucky. I've never had to wonder where my next meal will come from. I've never feared that a foreign army will come in the night with machetes or machine guns to kill or injure my family. I've never had to run for my life (something I could never do now anyway). Sadly, these are things some people have to do every day right now.

A wondrous place
The world, indeed the whole universe, is a beautiful, astonishing, wondrous place. There is always more to find out. I don't look back and regret anything, and I hope my family can find a way to do the same.
What is true is that I loved them. Lauren and Marina, as you mature and become yourselves over the years, know that I loved you and did my best to be a good father.
Airdrie, you were my best friend and my closest connection. I don't know what we'd have been like without each other, but I think the world would be a poorer place. I loved you deeply, I loved you, I loved you, I loved you.

Bank Holiday Crazy!

After the second bank holiday weekend in a row, I have to admit I'm flagging. I know the bank holiday weekends are to have a break from work, get away and relax but to me they're more of an excuse to plan loads of fun things to do. So I planned loads of fun things to do...now I'm knackered and broke.

Friday was obviously the big wedding and it was amazing. I was completely surprised by how swept up I became with it. I guess as a trainee journalist who it subject to the Internet and all the social media outlets under the sun, it was hard to get away from it all. Not one to feel left out, I picked up my friends and we headed to Hallas' mates house for a good BBQ. Kate Middleton looked absolutely amazing. I would go as far to say as it was fairytale. Probably not the kind of wedding she was thinking about since she was five but close enough.

The weekend followed by a visit by my 12 year old brother whose at that age where your not quite sure what to do to keep him entertained. In the end, I whittled it down to four options and couldn't decide between them so did all four. Pizza hut, bowling, cinema and Chinese. Needless to say he had a smile on his face the whole weekend so it obviously had the desired effect.

I also had a surprise up my sleeve for the croc last week and after giving him one to many clues- he guessed in the end. We went for a chocoholics evening at the Aston Villa ground which was amazing. Being a lover of chocolate and Villa, again needless to say HE had a big smile on his face for the rest of the week which was good!

Most surprisingly of all, with the whole week being food filled, I managed to lose a pound and a half at weight watchers. It must be down to all the running around I've been doing. Obviously, not sitting at a desk works wonders for me.

I get my exam results in less than two weeks now but I'm ploughing on with the journalism course and trying to get to grips with law and shorthand...help!

Lots more to come over the next few weeks, I don't actually know when my next free weekend is which is either worrying or quite satisfying. It's my birthday in 3 and a half weeks so I'm trying to organise something fun...ideas please! xx

Angus Lee!

Where to start. My Easter Weekend has been filled with hysterical laughter, barbecues, bonfires, jack Russell's, dog poo, private beaches, sun burn, chocolate, cheese, wine, cider, bacon sandwiches and traffic jams.

Me and three friends (Fowler, Hallas and Robson) decided to stay in the back end of nowhere in Anglesey, just outside of a little town called Beaumaris. The place we stayed, The Beach House, could only be described as a little piece of wooden heaven and when we arrived, we promptly started screaming at the sight of not just the lodge but at our own private beach complete with a rustic barbecue. We could not believe our luck and the fact that we had managed to find this remote, idyllic lodge down the dusty track from the main road.

I have to start with the shopping trip to Morrisons. We arrived completely over excited and combined with the need for chocolate (it was Easter), magazines (to read on the beach) and meat for the BBQ, we ended up spending £120 in the space of about 20 minutes. But we were going to be house bound for the next 3 days, relaxing and getting away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life and indeed the traffic which had caused some misery on the journey down. We did however run out of wine and cider on the first night so we did have to go back to Waitrose and spend a further £30 along with a special purchase of smoked cheese to celebrate the end of lent for me. (Giving up cheese was SO much harder than I first thought.)

I also have to mention the amount of chocolate that was consumed by Miss Hallas BEFORE the end of lent even though she had given this up. Did she break the rules of lent even though she specified on the first day what she was and wasn't allowed to eat? Answers on a postcard please!

The first day was fab. We had great weather and we sat out at the fire until late and chatted and drank a lot.
The second day- the Saturday was rather different. It was cloudy, overcast and just a bit miserable. But undeterred, we ventured out in the car for a little drive and came across different beaches and headed to the town of Beaumaris. The pier was packed with kids crab fishing and we couldn't get over the abundance of dogs (I'll go into further details of the dogs a little later). We collected fire wood for the fire that evening and headed home after a little trip to the souvenir/joke shop :-)

Tonight was the night that Fowler was going to be attempting to cook her first (and probably last) sit down dinner. The Jamie Oliver book had stated that we were going to have Cypriot Chicken (chicken breast stuffed with herbs and feta cheese) with asparagus and vine roasted tomatoes. Fowler's own twist was to add roast potatoes. It worked so well, apart from the scary moment where we discovered the chicken was a little frozen when it came out the fridge but this was easily fixed. Fowler ended up with 4 scraped plates and a wealth of compliments. Will she cook again?? Answers on a postcard again!

The evening was the best out of all three. As we had no BBQ, we sat around the fire wrapped in blankets, sleeping bags, drinking cider and looking at the stars which were amazing. So...onto the dog story. When we first arrived, we were surprised when we discovered three dogs casually roaming around out rustic BBQ area. A small jack Russell and two black labs. On discovering the dogs, Hallas jumped up and ran into the lodge, terrified by this little, yappy thing. Now, Hallas has a dog but doesn't like dogs because she doesn't know if they are going to attack her or not. I'm not a massive Jack Russell fan myself but he was so excitable and so cute that I just wanted to take him home! We found out later that his name was Derek!! Amazing name for a dog.

So, Saturday night, was probably also the funniest. I don't think I've ever laughed so much in all my 25 years. Fowler had bought a fake dog poo from the joke shop earlier in the day to place in the kitchen to scare Hallas. It didn't work as the first time she walked straight past it and the second time, Derek actually ran off with it in his mouth! One minute it was there and the next minute, we were looking for a fake dog poo with a torch in the garden trying not to let on to Hallas. It definitely was a 'you had to be there moment' but it was without a doubt the funniest moment ever.

Sunday, it was hot. And I mean hot. We spent all day from 10am to 5pm in the garden. As we had our own private beach, it got a bit fresh at times so the majority of the time we had our sleeping bags covering us over. Despite caking the sun cream on every ten minutes on my face, I still emerged (as Fowler puts so nicely) like a burns victim.

Monday, we packed up and were very reluctant to leave. It was peaceful, idyllic and only had each other, the dogs and the sound of sheep to keep us company and we were well and truly rested. To be honest, I couldn't do a whole week there. It's lovely, but by the end I was ready for a bit of hustle and bustle. Robson drove us back and we took the scenic route which was lovely. Although there was an incident with a family of ducks which we will take to our graves so don't get asking because it still haunts me :-(

Monday night when I got back, all I wanted was a shower, some food and to sleep. Dan accompanied me and we had an amazing pizza hut takeaway and watched a good film.

All in all, an amazing weekend. It has to be done again soon and I know the rest of them will agree. Oh and one last thing. The name of the post, Angus Lee? Hallas couldn't pronounce Anglesey so Angus Lee was the next best thing. Enough said! xx

Social butterfly!

I still can't get over how busy I am even though the exams are out the way! I seem to be working on the social side of my life at the moment which means accepting invitations left, right and centre to anything that's thrown my way. I feel like I haven't seen my flatmate in about a week...actually I don't think I have.

The Saturday just gone, I visited an old uni friend in Cheltenham where we went to uni and it was lovely. It was weird because I parked outside my old student house and it brought back some old memories I can tell you! The funny thing is that there are two brick pillars at the end of the path which leads to the front doors and on my 21st birthday when the party spilled out into the street, me and my housemate nathanial proceeded to knock the top half of this brick wall off. The next day was spent somehow trying to wedge it back on without the landlord noticing. (We really wanted our deposit back at the end of the year!) The funny thing was is that it was still wonky! Chances are future tenants found that it was broken but it was funny to see it. We had a great day and the weather was amazing. I always feel weird going back to Cheltenham. It reminds me of a time where I was 18, just moved out of home and found freedom! Good times.

Monday night, Dan and I went for sushi again (it's cheaper on a Monday!) and it was lovely! Really enjoying spending time with him at the moment.

So last night, Hallas is back from Liverpool uni on half term break and she is making me homemade gnocchi. I'm really scared, although saying that, I don't think she can poison me with some potato. Will be nice to catch up with her.

Then bank hol Friday, we're off to Anglesey in Wales to go to the Beach House! The website actually calls it the Beach House! It's a one- story Scandinavian lodge with everything you need in it! Me and the girls generally tend to go away over Easter to recharge our batteries and drink a lot of wine :-) should be fun.

We're also thinking about going away to Amsterdam for my birthday at the end of May which will be massively fun!

More to come soon!

Sunny, Sunny, Sunny!

Had a really lovely, sunshine filled weekend this weekend! In amongst revising my socks off for the impending exam on Friday, I still managed to do lots of fun stuff!

Friday night, Dan and I went out for sushi which was something completely new to us but we had a fab time. We headed to Yo Sushi in Brindley Place and it was amazing! I'm not a massive fan of fish but there was plenty of other options to try including chicken, noodles, rice, and these amazing Japanese pumpkin croquettes. After that we headed to Walkabout and a few other bars and proceeded to get absolutely steaming..but we had an amazing night.

Saturday. Grand national day. While the world was basking in the glorious sunshine, I was stuck in the flat ALL day learning how to write snappy intros and short filler stories of 70- 80 words. (It was the newswriting exam today!) I felt very sorry for myself.

But Sunday,  it was my sisters boyfriends birthday so I headed to Leamington to have a piece of cake and a cup of tea! We ended up in a gorgeous beer garden with the whole family. There was beer, some good food, the game of buckaroo and yes, would you believe it...my revision  folder! If I couldn't revise inside, it would have to be done in the beer garden!

So today was the newswriting exam and I think it went ok. I didn't rush and tried to remember everything so fingers crossed it was a pass!

More to come soon :-) xx

Busy Busy Busy!

So I'm pretty much all better now after having the wisdom tooth out. Not a nice experience and still feel a bit run down which is not cool. I'm making up to Fowler this weekend for not being at her birthday do last weekend by going out for dinner with her which will be lovely. And also I'm very excited about going away for the Easter bank hols with the girls and Robson to a little Welsh cottage in Anglesey :-) It will be much needed by the time it rolls around in a few weeks time.

At the moment, I'm cramming. I have so much going on career wise. This week I'm designing and planning my own double page spread using Adobe InDesign as part of my coursework to hand in with my exam next week. I have a Newswriting exam next Tuesday (12th) at Staffordshire Uni and a Sub Editing exam next Friday 15th (the one which I submit the coursework for as well). Luckily, I can sit this exam at the place I work (the Birmingham Mail office at Fort Dunlop) instead of going down to London which is a relief. In between these exams, I'm working and we have a massive sales day on the Thursday (14th)  where there is a lot of pressure to sell our lovely digital products. They're generally quite fun but it will be hectic.

On top, of all this coursework, revision, working and getting ready for the sales day, I have a deadline on Monday (11th) for Living Magazine which I write a few pages a month for to help out (it helps me out too but not at the moment when I'm soooo busy!). And on top of THAT, I have a Smudge Magazine deadline on the Friday (15th)! Luckily, I already have the first draft of this done.

If that was confusing to you- it definitely is to me. This is my week next week-

Monday 11th- Deadline for Living        
Tuesday 12th- News Writing Exam        
Wednesday 13th - REVISION!
Thursday 14th- Sales Day at work
Friday 15th- Deadline for Smudge
                Sub Editing Exam

To top things off, my tutor has told me he has a 100% pass rate from his students on the Sub Editing exam! PRESSURE!!

On Sat 16th though, I'm going to Cheltenham for the day, my old uni stomping ground, to catch up with a very good uni friend of mine, Aimie. I haven't seen her in a few years but I'm really looking forward to it. Our usual catch up's in Chelt usually consist of us going for lunch, getting drunk on wine and going shopping for clothes. TOP TIP- Don't go clothes shopping when your drunk- it results in you going back to the shop to return the item because usually its a) hideous b) the wrong size or c) just a little bit slutty.

In amongst all this, I am going to try and see Dan. Bless him, he's being so patient. Saying that, he's very busy himself revising for his own exams which will hopefully see him accepted into Leeds Uni come results time in August.

Pics of Fernando to come soon I promise! Love love love xx

I'm missing out!

Tonight is one of my best friend's birthday nights out and where am I? Stuck in Birmingham, in bed, doing Sub Editing coursework. I'm still in pain from having the horrible wisdom tooth out and as I'm on the antibiotics, I can't partake in the odd glass of wine with them and can't generally have a good time because of the pain :-(

So here I am. I'm taking a break from doing the coursework (which is planning and designing a double page magazine spread) by writing this post and watching Bridget Jones Diary 2. There's also a half empty packet of Galaxy Counters next to me but I've found it's extremely hard to eat these with a sore jaw so I've given up!

Mothers Day tomorrow so I'm planning on having lunch with mum and my younger brother then tea at my grandparents with the rest of the family. Pix to come soon. In the meantime, check out my latest article in Smudge Magazine- I'm on page 18 & 19 :-)

http://content.yudu.com/Library/A1rnfo/IssueFiveApril2011/resources/index.htm?referrerUrl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.smudgemagazine.co.uk%2Fmagazine%2Fissue-five

Paaaiiin!

I'm in pain! Lots of pain. I had my wisdom tooth out on Saturday morning and I'm still not back at work. I thought I was doing really well, I did everything the dentist told me to and I felt ok on Saturday and Sunday. It was Monday evening that the pain started and I mean the most intense pain EVER! Me and Dan ventured to the cinema but I spent the entire time with the drink pressed to my cheek to dull the pain.
At 5am in the night, I woke up nearly in tears and had to wake Dan. He was so good, he went down to get me an ice pack but returned with a tray full of things to make me feel better. A massive glass of cold water, ice pack, co- codamol and some ice cream! He stayed up with me until the tablets had taken effect and knocked me out...it must be love!

Turns out when I called the dentist the next day and they got me in for an emergency appointment, the wound in my mouth was massively infected. The stitched were removed and they when they put some antiseptic wash into the socket, I almost cried in pain :-( I'm on antibiotics too.

This morning, I've woken up to no pain but a horrible taste of antiseptic. I'm hoping the antibiotics have started to kick in- I'm so glad I can see light at the end of the tunnel. I just want to eat some nice food and kiss my boyfriend!! Neither of them I can do at the moment!! I am back at work tomorrow then I have a days holiday on Friday.

This weekend I'm supposed to be off to Manchester to celebrate Fowler's birthday with her but as I'm still not feeling well, I may not be able to make it :-( Have to play that be ear.

In other news, I have my exams coming up in the next 3 weeks and have been working hard on trying to get my head around Adobe InDesign CS5. If anybody knows how this software works, please enlighten me! I have to do this coursework to hand in with my exam in 3 weeks!!! Nightmare.

That's all from me! xx

Happyness

I love that film, The Pursuit of Happyness. There's something about it that makes me want to cry and makes me really angry that no- one gives the guy a break. The film shows the story of an ordinary guy trying to find his happiness, whether that be from his son, a place to live or a job. The film explains that the Declaration of Independence states that:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness"
 
The film makes me realise that through our life we always pursue happiness and always strive for it as opposed to having it in our lap from day one. In our lives we discover those things that make us happy and hold onto those things for dear live. I guess it could be anything. It could be people, family, friends, a partner. It could be a new car, a amazing job, marriage, kids and so on.
 
I guess I'm halfway there, but the funny thing is there is no rush to find them. I'm happy to want for things that I really want. I'm working hard to qualify and hopefully find that amazing job. I'm working hard because in turn, I'll have a gorgeous house that I own and one day I'm hoping that I will get married and have kids...but I'm in no rush for them yet.
 
I'm happy at the moment for many reasons. I have a great family first of all. They drive me insane sometimes, they make me laugh, make me cry but whatever situation whenever in my life I know I can turn to them. Whether that be my mum (who is the first person I go to usually), my brother when I need some help, or my sister if I need to talk girl things. My younger brother is in the stage where he just grunts at you over the phone (he's almost 13) but I know when I see him in person- he'll flash his gorgeous little smile and give me a cuddle and everything feels good!
Next, I have a lovely boyfriend who I have SO much fun with. He's there for me in different ways. Little things that trouble me that I don't want to bother anyone else with, I know he'll listen to me rant. He's the person I tell all my secrets to and know that he will never tell. If I'm upset, worried or nervous, he just holds my hand and it's nice. I look forward to seeing him all the time.
Next, I have my amazing friends. Sarah Hallas, Katie Fowler, Rach Moore and my flatmate Soph. They all have something different about them that I feel I can speak to them about. If I need a cracking night out and want to forget about everything, I'll go to Hallas. If I need a cup of tea and a chat, I'll go to Fowler. If I need someone beating up or shouting at for me, I'll go to Rach (kidding, although she is a bit gobby!! She won't mind me saying that!) And my flatmate Soph sees everything! She's been a massive help to me the last week or so and I've been so grateful to her for helping me out.
 
So other things on the list that make me happy- My new car (I'm in love with it!), my flat, the fact that my dad's just moved down to Exmouth to run a pub and he's SO happy- I'm going to visit at the end of the month! and the fact that I might be an auntie soon!!! (more to come on that in a few weeks time.)
 
One thing I'm not so happy about is that I've had a wisdom tooth out this morning and I'm in pain. :-( But I'm staying at home in Leamington so Mum's looking after me :-)
 
More to come soon. Keep happy :-) xx

A tough week

Things have been hard this week. I've been cycling to work most days as yes, I'm still car-less. But there is good news on the horizon, I could have a car in 4 days time! It's lovely but it's going to leave me well and truly penniless. It will be luxury, for the first time ever I'll have power steering! Good times! Pics coming soon :-)

Things have been hard in other ways this week but let me just say that I love the croc very much, he makes me so incredibly happy. Whatever it takes baby.

So that's all that's been happening this week. More very soon, with pics of the new car! xx

Lunch with my bezzie!

One of my bezzies, Katie Fowler came over for a visit today seeing as I have no car to even comtemplate having a social life at the moment. As Dan is off working down in Luton tonight working, I would have been stuck alone bored out of my head but Miss Fowler came to the rescue!

Fowler lives in Manchester since leaving Brum a little while ago and it's been tough trying to find 5 minutes to get together. We worked out today that we haven't seen each other since the end of January along with not seeing my other bezzie, Sarah Hallas since then either! Not good news so we had lots to catch up on today.

We ended up having a large lunch in the Harvester followed by a trip to Spar to pick up some cookies to have with a cup of tea back at the flat accompanied by lots of chat! Good times- thanks for coming roomie!

I'm still without a car :-( It's been a week today and it's doing my head in! I'm attempting to get to Leamington tomorrow to strip out Pedro of my CD's and all and stay over at mum's for my dentist appointment on Monday. I've just been told however that there are rail strikes on tomorrow and we should 'not travel unless absolutely necessary'. Typical. I could take the bike- might take me a week but I'd have thighs of steel!

I'm off to eat an egg custard and watch sex and the city 2 :-) good times- thanks again roomie, you truly comforted a friend in need- love you lots! xxx

ps- a lil pic below of me and fowler enjoying one of many good times! "What's that in your mouth Fowler?!"

An Amuse Bouche and no more Pedro!

My beloved car, Pedro has gone to Peugeot heaven :-( I adore my car. I got him about two years ago when I rescued him from the scrap heap. A little bit of TLC and he was as good as gold- apart from the odd repair job here and there, he has run perfectly. For an old knacker aged 18 years old, he has taken me far and wide- from trips to Manchester- Liverpool- Birmingham to Leamington every day- he has done some miles.

I noticed him flagging a bit last week when he struggled to start and the amount of smoke that was billowing out of the exhaust. Coincidentally- I happened to be on the way to my brothers garage in Warwick when he gave up the ghost and chugged and puffed his way to his last breath. Looking at the amount of smoke, my brother (being a highly skilled mechanic) knew exactly what was wrong- the head gasket had blown :-( It is a fortune apparently to fix so I said goodbye and left Pedro at the garage. It looks like he won't be able to fix him so I'm now looking for a new car. I won't know for definite until tonight but it doesn't look good. I'm going on Saturday to clear him out and say my proper goodbyes. It's always weird when it's your first car, or so I've been told but I am excited about the prospect of a new (second- hand) car :-)

On Saturday evening- a did a restaurant review with my mum for the magazine I write for. I won't name the restaurant but mum left a little more tiddly than when she arrived and more hysterical for a number of reasons. Free champers for a start set her off- she's not a big drinker anyway and usually the smell of wine gets her going but a few glasses spelt trouble. The waiter brought us an amuse bouche which is a fancy way of saying 'appetiser' but after a few glasses mum was asking for a bichon frise (a breed of dog) which she confused with the word amuse bouche which set her off. Then she wrapped up her liver and put it in my handbag to take home for the dog. Not to mention stirring her cocktail with a fork and chewing plastic diamante's on the top of her dessert- going " OMG they are real diamonds" Never again- was a laugh though.

Was Dave's funeral today and was actually really nice- upsetting but nice. I'm glad I went in the end x

Still in shock but starting to come to terms

The evening I found out about Dave, I text all my family to tell them that I love them and that I love our little family. As mentioned in the previous blog, I'm taking a new pro- active view to life as my tribute to Dave and I wanted to contact them to remind them that I love them. With every response I got back I cried a little bit more. It made me wonder that at the point when Dave passed if he told his wife that he loved her or vice versa. Or when in fact the last time they told each other. Was it the day before, the week before or longer? When was the last time, that Dave held his wife's hand? What gets me is that he would have been planning to go on holiday or visit his daughter or go to the dentist fully expecting to keep those appointments or visits when all of a sudden, he can't.

When people pass, others sometimes say, 'well, it was their time to go.' I have to say that because of recent events I can't see this to be true. How can it be there time to go when they have so much left to do with their lives? How they can be ripped so suddenly from their families? With old age or a long illness, I can kind of see why but in this case, it's something that I can't make sense of.

It's weird to me why this has affected me so much. I have lost three relatives in the past 3-6 years and each was really really hard to come to terms with. They were the glue that held our family together. It didn't feel like proper family gatherings without them, like someone was missing. But I accepted it, not quickly, but I did probably because they had each lived a full and happy life. Gramps was nearly 101 when he passed!

But Dave's passing has affected me more than I thought. As mentioned in the last post, he wasn't a particularly friendly man and work sometimes infuriated him but he was a person, a human being who had a family who loved him. I do not believe it was his time to go and as silly as it sounds, I miss seeing him in the office. I miss hearing him bang the desk when he lost his temper- it used to make us all laugh- bless him.

So true to my word, I am trying to move on and live for the moment. I'm still angry at the fact that I have to work 8 hours of my day sat in front of a computer when I could be visiting. Thank god for mobile phones and 21st century technology. Without the odd text, photo message or video call on Skype, it would make things 100 times worse.

This is how my weekend is panning out so far-

Friday evening- dinner in with Dan- lots cheaper than eating out and we get to be alone
Saturday- Visit Sarah and Jess- two old friends I used to work with who have since had babies- in proper need of a catch up
Visit Rach and my goddaughter Eva- been trying to do this every week since I moved to Birmingham- it's massively important to me to be a good friend and for Eva to know who I am as she grows up.
Sleepover at my mum's house! Dinner out with mum and cuddles from my 12 year old brother (if he lets me!) and with the dog!
Sunday- Cup of hot chocolate in town with my sister :-) Will try and squeeze in a catch up with my older brother too.
Dinner with Dan

With Dan now working Saturday nights in his new job, it's gives me the opportunity to do my own thing with the girls and see my family. Also, boring things like washing and cleaning. All the things he doesn't want to be around for!

Also, instead of sitting in front of the TV last night, me and my flatmate Soph went out for a 45 minute power walk. It was good as we burned calories whilst chatting and catching up- probably something we wouldn't have done watching TV. And in the last post I mentioned if I wanted to eat something, I would just eat it instead of obsessing over it so with that in mind I've come up with a plan. If I've lost weight at WW, I will treat myself to something naughty. Something like fish and chips or a maccy d's!

Comments always welcome as usual :-) love love love

A Tribute

I walked into work this morning with a very sombre atmosphere surrounding the sales floor. People had shocked looks on their face and my manager had sore, red eyes from obvious crying. It was only through hearing people chatting while making their morning cup of tea that it suddenly dawned on me what had happened.

One of my colleagues, Dave Webber, a field rep on our team of just 11 members had been taken ill on Friday lunchtime with a suspected heart attack. An ambulance was called and the paramedics had suggested an ECG test which confirmed he had a heart murmur. They took him to the Good Hope Hospital in Birmingham and was released later that same evening. The following day, Saturday, he complained again of pain and collapsed. He passed away on Saturday morning with his wife by his side.

Being in the office today has been hard. It's hard to describe quite what I feel. Dave was an impatient, tempestuous man who loved to complain about anything and everything but when he wasn't talking or thinking about work, he was lovely. He was always the first one in the office in the morning and would always say good morning to everyone who passed the end of his desk. I had helped him on many occasions sorting out technical problems and sending across his paperwork to the art studio. I suggested one morning to him to write down what I was doing so he would know for the future if ever I was off. He wrote down every detail as I was telling him. But every week, when Tuesday rolled down he would shift from one foot to the other standing over my desk asking me to help him again. Of course I helped him. It took two seconds out of my day but if it made him that little bit calmer, I did it.

A year or so ago, I was talking to another colleague about my travels to Australia. Something I love to talk about, when Dave chipped in and said his daughter had once done the same after she finished university and I remember us having a conversation about how he felt with her across the other side of the world and how he knew what my mum felt.

He was distant and never usually talked of his family, so it came as a bit of a surprise when he joined in our conversation.

Today, I can't stop thinking about him and his family. The impact it has had on them so suddenly. He hadn't even been ill. One minute he was there and the next- just an empty place at the table. It's hard from our point of view. He left to go to the hospital so suddenly on Friday afternoon that all of his possessions were still on his desk this morning. His pens, his laptop, his car keys. The car is still out in the car park and there is a bag of sweets on his desk that he won on the sales day on Friday morning. We've had to go through his desk and sort the bits and pieces out. We've had his customers calling asking to speak to him, oblivious of what has happened. It's been very hard and I've had a lump in the back of my throat all day trying not to cry.

I feel that I'm expecting to see him walking down the office in a minute complaining about his March target. I glance over at his empty desk and expect him to be sitting there- it makes me feel so sad. The ironic thing is that he won salesperson of the month in November last year- something which has just been announced but he will never get to collect his certificate or his prize money.

What makes things worse is that I spend more time with my work colleagues than I do with my family and friends. It makes me physically sick to think that I spend more time at work, trying to earn cold, hard cash to buy materialistic things than I do with the people I love most in the world. It makes me want to take 2 weeks off work or to the extreme, quit my job. I just can't seem to get my head around the fact that he's gone. That it could happen to any one person at any given time.

It's given me a massive dose of reality. The money that I have saved in the bank- I'm going to spend it. I'm going to do the things I want to do. I'm not going to let my job rule my life. If I quit tomorrow, I could find another one closer to my loved ones. I'm not going to pick up the phone or text, I'm going to visit people. I already have a dinner and a sleepover at my mum's, lunch with 2 old friends that I haven't seen in a while and a catch up and a cup of tea with my best friend and my god- daughter, planned for this weekend. I'm not going to spends evenings watching soaps or rubbish TV when I can be out down the pub with my friends making memories. I'm not going to spend day after day obsessing with my weight, if I want to eat something, I'll eat it. Life is too short to say, 'What if I had more money', or 'What if I just do the holiday of a lifetime next year instead.' Do it now. Book that holiday, visit that old friend, quit your job if you're not happy. Surround yourself with people who love you and get rid of those who make you unhappy.

My tribute to Dave is to live my life the way I've always wanted to. To own my own magazine, to own a beautiful house and fill it with kids and dogs and marry the person I love. I want my life to be filled with the things that I want. Lastly, I'm going to tell the people that I love, that simply, I love them.

Nothing to report!

Apologies for the lack of blogging over the last week or so. All has been quiet in my world- with nothing much to report!

I'm still having an onward struggle with Weight Watchers each week. To be honest, I haven't been for the last 2 weeks. What with mum's birthday and Valentines day, I knew I would be eating more than I needed to and indulging in chocolate so thought I would cheat and not go. However with the sunlight rising earlier in the morning, I'm finding it ever so slightly easier to drag myself out of bed and get to the gym. 7am I was in there this morning- that's dedication! I managed to do an hour and then took a freezing cold shower in the run- down horrible changing rooms. What is it with council owned leisure centres? They make the effort to make the gym rooms, swimming pools and fitness suites quite nice and then not take any notice of the changing rooms whatsoever. That said, I can't really complain. I get the gym for free at the moment so I guess I can handle a freezing cold shower in the mornings. I quite like going to the gym in the mornings actually. I've never done it before. I always went after work, complained all day that I had to go to the gym afterwards and trundled there in the dark, starving hungry. But in the mornings, I eat after I've worked out (something to look forward to) and I feel really awake which is quite nice. The only bad thing is that come 4pm in the afternoon, I'm falling asleep at my desk...that and having to get up at 6.30am.

I'm venturing to Leamington this weekend to do a restaurant review for my magazine. This nice, new restaurant called Queans which has a rather interesting looking menu but has had amazing reviews. I haven't been out in Leamington for a little while- I feel like a Leamington veteran circa 2004 when me and my school friends would pub crawl our way around ending up in Rio's. I feel as though I look old compared to these fresh faced young things who seemed to have just tripped out of primary school and found their way to a bottle of Smirnoff ice or Bacardi Breezer (my drink of choice when I was young).

I'm really not that old. I'm just saying that I feel a little older compare to the youth of today. To top that off, I found a grey hair on Saturday. I'm talking a full on thick, grey hair. I had to pull it out and Dan thought it would be amusing to say repeatedly, "Look, it's an actual grey hair. I've only been joking in the past that you're going grey but you actually are!" Lovely. Seeing as I'm 3 years older than Dan, he takes great pleasure in the fact that I'll always be older than him.

Hopefully with all these early morning gym visits, I'll soon have the body of a 18 year old again.

Valentines Weekend and a dash to Waitrose

My Valentines weekend didn't start exactly how it was planned in my head. My idea was to wake up early on Sunday morning with Dan and have a nice drive down to Oxford and spend the day strolling through the town in the lovely sunshine followed by a lovely, romantic dinner in the evening.

The reality was trying to deal with a hungover Dan, who had lost his van keys and the heavy rain battering against the van windows. To top this off, we got into Oxford town centre and spent an our driving around trying to find a parking space until Dan finally lost his temper and had enough so we went to check into the hotel. This in turn put me in a bad mood as I had my heart set on strolling through Oxford in the sunshine! (It was still raining by this point!)

We had decided to not do presents this year because we were both skint. Last year Dan bought me a gorgeous necklace which was two intertwining hearts which I loved but we had still decided on just doing nice cards this year. To make matters worse, as we were driving to the hotel to check in, he informs me that we need to stop at a shop as he hadn't bought me a card yet. Now, unbeknown to him, I had spent the previous week lovingly gluing and sticking hearts and red glitter to a massive card that I thought I would hand make for him. It had taken AGES and the fact that I was already in a strop on the way to the hotel, it didn't help when he dropped this bombshell.

We found a Waitrose in the end and while I stocked up on goodies and nice things to eat, I left him in the glowing red section of the store saturated by last minute male shoppers. It was quite a funny sight.

We had decided on staying at a lovely little country pub/restaurant that we had stayed once before. The Doghouse in Frilford, Oxford. While being a lovely, intimate place, they also had amazing food so we booked a table on the Sunday night for our Valentines dinner. Once we checked in, with the rain still hammering on the window and Dan still hungover, we decided to stay in, watch some TV and eat some choc. It turns out that we actually had a nicer time doing this than traipsing around Oxford in the rain. We snuggled in the white waffle duvet and while Dan fell asleep, I watched Pocahontas and took great pleasure out of singing along to all the songs. We exchanged our cards (note: Dan actually asked to borrow my pen to write the card- and they say romance is dead) and he gave me a massive box of Milk Tray and some gorgeous red tulips. All was forgiven. Our dinner was lovely and looked very calorific but decided to throw caution to the wind and enjoy it.

The following day, we woke to bright sunshine and I finally got my stroll through Oxford! Dan had to work on the night so my Valentines night was spent with Soph my flat mate and we could hardly contain ourselves with the cutlery that she had managed to find so match our new plates. 'This' I told her, 'is what our lives have come to'. Still at least we weren't alone.

Had a lovely text from Dan after he finished work which made me realise how lucky I am to have him. Even though the weekend hadn't gone to plan exactly, we didn't stop laughing the whole weekend and I realised I'm more in love with him now then I've ever been.

The whole card fiasco just made me laugh as this was just another Dan-ism- something that Dan does- not on purpose but is so busy that he doesn't have the time.  He did explain that he planned to get a card a few days earlier but was helping his Dad move house one day, then spending time with his friends the day after. This is what I love the most about him. Even though he lives his life at 100 miles an hour, being massively busy with work, college and assignments, he splits his free time equally between his family, his friends and me.

Also, it was our second year anniversary on Valentines Day which made it even more special. I never thought I was the soppy type but it just goes to show that the most un-romantic of people can turn out the soppiest of all when they meet the right people. Right off you go to throw up! No more soppiness!

Sleep Deprived!

After the stress and organisation of the weekend just gone for my mum's 50th, I have to say I'm absolutely knackered! I feel like I need to take a week to recover and am still suffering from sleep deprivation. I must be getting on a bit. For some reason this week, all I want to do is hide away in my pj's, eat some naughty food and snuggle in bed with the croc and a pile of DVD's. Unfortunately, I have to work which is not good. Soph, my flat mate, is extremely ill with a 48 hour bug so will probably do me good to get out the flat away from her. Saying that though, I do have a banging headache and a sore throat this morning which does not sound good.

This week, me and Dan are going to Oxford for the weekend, yay! And he's off work all weekend, double yay! We're having a romantic stay at The Doghouse in Frilford, Oxford on Sunday night to celebrate Valentines Day and our anniversary which I'm looking forward to.

What I'm not looking forward to is spending money. I am flat broke. The festivities from the weekend have left me extremely short so I think the trusty credit card will be making an appearance at the weekend :-) Why is it that it takes us so long to get back on our feet after Christmas? It's got to the point where I actually googled 'How to make cash fast' and it came up with a number of extraordinary suggestions.

One I will be trying is this Music Magpie one. Apparently you put in the bar codes of your unwanted DVD's and CD's and it offers you cash for them. Since I moved into the flat, the unwanted ones have just been clogging up my amazingly massive wardrobe, space that could be better used on my clothes and shoes. Another good one is to become a mystery shopper. My mum actually tried this one last year and was quite good at it. She made £30 a time for every mystery shop she did. It didn't involve much paperwork and seems pretty cool, like your an undercover spy or something. £30 would be my food shop for a week and it would be £30 more than I had before.

Will be blogging after the weekend so keep an eye out - photos will be coming too.

PS. I miss my friends :-( Fowler and Hallas, please come back to Brum soon! I miss you much lots and am in need, not so much of a night out, but a catch up! Maybe dinner?? Please advise of dates when you will be returning to the Homeland!! :-) xxx

A Surprise Party!

ARHHHHHHH!!! FINALLY I CAN REVEAL IT TO THE WORLD!!!!! After months and months of planning- my family and I pulled off the most spectacular surprise 50th birthday party for my mum last night, 6th February!

I have been dying to vent about the stresses and strains of actually planning and organising it, but I know mum reads this blog from time to time and couldn't risk letting it slip! For the last few months it has been nothing but dresses, cars, decorations, champagne, music, invitations, place settings, slide shows, presents, set menu's and photographers and that's just to name a few! It has been stressful and we have verged on the edge of arguments,  and there has been meeting after meeting. God knows how many phone calls have been made between my older brother Richard and his girlfriend Claire, my younger sister Rachael and her boyfriend Phil and my Grandparents but I'm guessing our phone bills will have rocketed by a couple of hundred pounds next month.

That said, it has also been amazing, emotional and endearing. Somehow without even discussing it we seemed to each take up responsibility for tasks and things seem to have just slotted into place. My job (amongst others- including keeping the peace so no arguments occur) was to design the slide show. It has been an amazing roller coaster of emotions trailing through reams and reams of old photographs supplied by my grandparents. Thank god I have the facility to scan photographs and import them onto a slide show. Grandpa finds it hard even to get the mouse working, bless him! I have been up in the loft for the first time in my flat to try and dig out old photographs (I did try and send Dan up but he wasn't around- I just got the lend of the ladders!) and nearly killed myself with a mound of heavy boxes and getting tangled in the loft insulation. After all that, I still didn't manage to find the photographs.
After about a month of starting the slide show- it was finished and I'm going to try my hardest to upload it onto the blog for you all to see. It was quite amazing really because for the first time I realised that she hasn't always been mum. She was a girl, a teenager and a young lady. She had first cars, first days of school and first boyfriends (and kisses). Honestly the stories you could hear about my mum from my grandparents would make your toes curl. There has been laughter and tears whilst putting together this slide show. It has been a privilege to do.

The night itself was amazing and went without a hitch. There was champagne and tears (luckily I remembered the tissues) but never again will I take responsibility to organise a party. We had amazing food and amazing dresses (the boys were all in shirts and ties) and it went past in a beautiful, champagne tinted haze. I looked around the room a few times and everyone was happy and everyone was smiling and mum looked the happiest I'd ever seen her. After the slide show, the mascara started to run (I'm sure I told everyone to wear waterproof mascara!) and we moved onto speeches which had everyone in tears again but it was just a brilliant night. The stress of planning and organising all the details had all been worth it, it worked and it worked well. Maybe a little side career in party planning wouldn't be such a bad idea after all :-)

The function room

Mum with massive 50 balloons!

Mum when finding out her present! (Silverstone laps in a Ferrari!)

Me and the Croc!

A gym bunny!

Lost 1 pound this week! Woop Woop!! Quite happy with that as I made a cracking beef and filo pastry pie out the weight watchers recipe book on Sunday night. Dan's been badgering me for ages to make it and finally got round to it on the weekend. The Christmas present I had from him came in very handy as I chucked all the ingredients in the slow cooker (after some preparation) and went out for the day.  Very happy with that!

So my gym ordeal happened at 7.30 am on Thursday morning. I say ordeal but I actually arrived at 7.15am after moaning for a week that I would have to get up early. The induction lasted for 5 minutes then I was free to start using the equipment. My legs feel more toned already! (Not really but they do ache...a lot!) I have to admit I am knackered but mightily relieved that I don't have to go after work and I can go home and put my pj's on whilst watching corrie.

So my plan is to go to the gym twice a week on a weekday including a Wednesday morning before the weight in on the evening, then maybe an extra swim at the weekend. Having said that, I have some very very busy weekends coming up so the chances of me doing that are quite slim.

This weekend is my Mum's 50th Birthday! Woooo! So last night we had a meal out and then to a club which involved Italian food and alcohol. Not a good start to the weekend in terms of my weight loss plan. Today involves more eating at a family birthday party at my brothers with buffet style food (yummy) and wait for it...more cake. I actually will be the size of a house come Monday morning and all of my efforts so far will have been wasted. Maybe I should try Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday morning in the gym in a bid to get rid of some of that gorgeous jam and butter cream icing that will be lodged around my middle from all the cake.

Then the following weekend, Dan and I are off to Oxford for the night to celebrate Valentines Day and our 2 year anniversary (technically 3 but  officially 2!) which involves a romantic valentines dinner and a fry up the following morning. Why is it that social events always involve consuming calorie packed (albeit delicious) food? I will just have to restrain myself and say a big NO to desserts all the while enjoying myself.

Lots more posts to come this weekend (if I get chance) about the festivities! Here are just a little selection of photos from last night!

Mum enjoying dinner

Mum enjoying a dance with her friends

Me and younger sister Rachael. (I don't think we look alike at all?!)